COMMENTARY! THE MUSICAL
Produced, Orchestrated, Recorded and Played by Jed Whedon Recorded at Burnside Studios, Los Angeles, CA
10. Nobody's Asian In The Movies
01. Commentary!
Music and Lyrics by Joss Whedon
Performed by the Cast and Writers
All:
COMMENTARY
COMMENTARY
FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS – IT’S A COMMENTARY
EVERYONE LOVES THESE “MAKING-OF”S
THE STORY BEHIND THE SCENES
THE WAY THAT WE GOT THAT ONE COOL SHOT
AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS
WE’LL TALK ABOUT THE WRITING
WE’LL PROBABLY SAY “IT’S GREAT!”
AND THE ACTING -- SO EXCITING
EXCEPT FOR NATE
Nathan:
I phoned it in
All:
COMMENTARY
COMMENTARY
SET COURSE FOR WONDER – IT’S A COMMENTARY
Cast:
BRING BACK THE CAST, WE’LL HAVE A BLAST
DISCUSSING THE DAYS OF YORE
MOMENTS LIKE THESE SELL DVDS
Writers:
WE NEED TO SELL MORE
WE’VE ONLY SOLD FOUR
Jed:
WE’LL TELL YOU WHICH JOKES WERE JOSS’S
Zack:
MAURISSA’S
Maurissa:
OR JED’S
Joss:
OR ZACK’S
Writers:
WE WON’T HAVE THOSE AWKWARD PAUSES…
Neil/Maurissa:
AND YOU’LL BE DAZED BY THE HAZE OF BLAZING PRAISE
ARRAYS OF WAYS TO REPHRASE:
“THOSE WERE THE DAYS”
Neil:
LAID ON SO THICK IT’LL MAKE YOU SICK
THAT’S THE TRICK TO ALL THESE
COMMENTARIES
All:
COMMENTARY
HERE COMES THE INSIGHT
IT’S A FILM-MAKER’S JOURNEY
IT’S A ROAD TO ADVENTURE
IT’S A BURST OF FRUIT FLAVOR
IT’S A MOST UNCOMMON COMMENTARY…
COMMENTARY!
02. Strike!
Music and Lyrics by Joss Whedon
Performed by the Writers
WHEN YOU START NEGOTIATIONS
WITH INTEGRITY AND PATIENCE
AND THEY JUST CRY “BATTLE STATIONS!”
WHAT’S TO LIKE?
WHEN YOU ASK A SMALL AMOUNT AND
THEN ENCOUNTER COUNTER’S COUNTER
AND THE DEAL IS TANTAMOUNT TO
“TAKE A HIKE”
YOU CAN’T SIT AROUND WITH YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND
YOU PULL IT OUT, YOU STAND UP AND
YOU STRIKE
WHEN YOU HEAR THEIR LAWYERS TALKING
SAYING OUR BEHAVIOR’S SHOCKING
IT’S CONVINCING AS A COCKNEY
DICK VAN DYKE
WHEN THEY LEAVE THE TOWN UNSTABLE
THEN THEY COME BACK TO THE TABLE
AND SAY “NOW WE SHOULD ABLE –
KIDDING! PSYCH!”
WE ASK THEM FOR BREAD AND GET “LET THEM EAT CAKE”
THEY FIGURE A STOMACH ACHE WILL BREAK
THE STRIKE
SO STRIKE
FOR ALL THE WRITERS
STRIKE
FOR A LIVING WAGE
UNTIL THESE WRONGS ARE RIGHTED
WE WON’T WRITE ANOTHER PAGE
Jed:
WIPE OFF THAT SMILE – THE STYLE IS BILE
AND RAGE IS ALL THE RAGE
AS THE FALL TURNS INTO WINTER
THERE APPEARS A BUNCH OF SPLINTER
GROUPS WHO WONDER WHAT THIS INTER-
NET IS LIKE
WHILE THE TIDE IS TURNING TEPID
AND THE TOWN IS FEELING TREPID-
ATIOUS TIME FOR US TO STEP UP
TO THE MIC
WE’VE GOT ALL THESE DYNAMITE PLOTS TO USE
IT’S TIME TO LIGHT THE FUSE OR LOSE
THE STRIKE
Joss:
AND LOSE WE DID
IMPRESSIVELY
All:
SLUNK BACK TO OUR OFFICES
DECLARING VICTORY
IF YOU NEED YOUR RESIDUAL
WHY DID YOU ALL AGREE
I’M PROUD I WALKED THE LINE
WITH WRITERS, FANS AND FRIENDS OF MINE
BUT NOW I ASK WHAT WAS IT FINALLY ABOUT
AND YEARS FROM NOW I’LL TELL MY TYKE
JUST WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO STRIKE
OUT
03. TEN DOLLAR SOLO
Music by Joss Whedon and Jed Whedon
Lyrics by Joss Whedon
Performed by Stacy Shirk and Neil Patrick Harris
Stacy
THEY THINK I’M NO ONE
I DON’T HAVE A NAME
BUT I WANT TO LIVE FOREVER
JUST LIKE IN “FAME”
(BUT NOT AS DEPRESSING; I HEAR THE REMAKE IS BETTER)
TWO WEEKS IN THE BUSINESS
STILL GOT NO BREAKS
THE PEOPLE ALL SAY I’LL NEVER
HAVE WHAT IT TAKES
BUT I CAN’T LOSE
I’VE PAID MY DUES
TEN DOLLAR SOLO
WORTH EVERY DIME
MY PATH IS SO STEEP
BUT MY GOD JOSS IS CHEAP
AND DOESN’T MIND WASTING YOUR TIME
SEE THE BAD HORSE CHORUS
JUMP INTO FRAME
THEY TELL ME I’M NOT READY
TO GET IN THE GAME
BUT I’LL SHOW THEM
MY ATM
TEN DOLLAR SOLO
NOT BAD SO FAR
THERE’S INTERNAL RHYME
ALTHOUGH NOT EVERY INSTANCE
AND THE METER IS OCCASIONALLY A LITTLE BIT BIZARRE
THEY SAY HOLLYWOOD IS HEARTLESS
AND ONLY THE STRONGEST SURVIVES
BUT I LIKE IT PLENTY
I GAVE JOSS A TWENTY
AND GOT BACK A DREAM AND TWO FIVES
SO HERE COMES MY
Neil:
TEN DOLLAR SOLO – SOLOMENTE BABY!
Stacy:
NO, THIS IS MY SCENE
Neil:
YOUR SCENE, I’VE SEEN YOUR SCENE
Stacy:
YOU’RE WONDERFUL, NEIL
BUT JOSS MADE ME A DEAL
Neil:
SUCK IT – I GAVE HIM FIFTEEN… YEAEEEEAAAHH!!!
Stacy and Neil:
TEN DOLLAR LAME-O
Stacy:
ARE THOSE THE WORDS NOW?
Stacy and Neil:
HOW COULD I(YOU) KNOW
THAT JOSS PAYS HIS DEBT
WITH THIS CHEESY DUET
WHEN YOU STOOP SO LOW
THEN YOU SAY SO LONG
SOLO
04. Better Than Neil
Music by Jed Whedon
Lyrics by Joss Whedon and Jed Whedon
Performed by Nathan Fillion
Backing Vocals by Maurissa Tancharoen
Horn Arrangements by Maurissa Tancharoen
Hey ladies
Sit down, relax
I got a story to tell…
EVERY NIGHT I LIE AWAKE
WITH SORROW IN MY CHEST
I THINK OF NPH AND WONDER
IS HE GETTING REST?
DOES HE KNOW EACH SECOND
HE’S ONLY SECOND BEST?
TOSSING IN HIS BED
WHAT’S HE WEARING? DREAD?
I’M BETTER
BETTER THAN NEIL
IN SO MANY WAYS
IT’S ALMOST UNREAL
OH SURE HE CAN SING
AND PIGGIES CAN SQUEAL
IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL
I’M BETTER
SO HE WAS ON BROADWAY
WHILE I WAS ON THE SOAPS
WHO’S GOT THE HIGH SCORE
ON “NINJA ROPES”?
WHO’S GOT A BULLET-PROOF
CAR LIKE THE POPE’S?
LOOK AT NEIL MACKIN’
SO SAD HE’S SO LACKIN’
HE MAKES SEVEN FIGURES
AND GETS EMMY NODS
I MAKE SEVEN LAYER
BEAN DIP OF THE GODS
I’M ALSO IN HALO 3
WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
NOW MY EARS ARE RINGIN’
‘CAUSE ALL THE GIRLS ARE SINGIN’
I’M BETTER
BETTER THAN NEIL
AT SO MANY THINGS
IT’S HARD TO CONCEAL
OH SURE HE DOES MAGIC
MAGIC’S NOT REAL
HOW DUMB DO YOU FEEL?
I’M BETTER
NEIL PLAYED A KID DOCTOR
WELL, SO DID I, DUDE
BUT I WAS MUCH YOUNGER
AND TOTALLY NUDE
NEIL KEPT THAT WHITE COAT ON
GREAT, DOCTOR PRUDE
LOOK THERE FELICIA GOES
ANOTHER DEAL YOU COULDN’T CLOSE, YEAH
I WINK AT A WOMAN
SHE NEEDS A DRINK – STAT!
SHE KNOWS I GET EVERYTHING
I’M AIMING AT
EXCEPT FOR THE POPE CAR
I LIED ABOUT THAT
AT LEAST I’M NOT PRONE
TO SINGING ALONE
LOOK AT HIS SMALLNESS
COMPARED TO MY TALLNESS
MY PORCELIN DOLL-NESS
MY PORT-IN-A-SQUALLNESS
MY KIDS-IN-THE-HALLNESS
MY PINK-FLOYD’S-“THE-WALL”NESS
MY THREE PARTS OF GAULNESS
MY JUST ALL-IN-ALLNESS
MY WONDERFUL ME-NESS
MY HAMMER – THE PEOPLE CAN TELL
THAT I’M AWFULLY SWELL
WHILE NEIL HAS A WEIRD SMELL
I’M JUST SAYING: PURELL
I’M BETTER
BETTER THAN NEIL
AT –WHERE DO I START?
ROMANTIC APPEAL
WE BOTH WENT FOR PENNY
AND WHO COPPED A FEEL?
THE TRUE MAN OF STEEL
I’M BETTER THAN NEIL
YEAH YEAH YEAH
I’M BETTER THAN NEIL
JUST JUMPED OFF A MOVING
AUTOMOBILE
HE PLAYS WITH HIS PHONE
WHILE TIRES THEY SQUEAL
IT’S MY SCENE TO STEAL
I’M BETTER THAN NEIL
05. The Art
Music and Lyrics by Joss Whedon
Performed by Felicia Day
WHEN I FIRST MEET HAMMER I STUMBLE AND STAMMER
‘CAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT SAYS TO DO IN THE SCRIPT
BUT WHENEVER I WOULD PRACTICE THAT WAS JUST AND ACT THIS
IS ALL SO REAL – HE’S SO WELL EQUIPPED
FALLING INTO NATHAN’S EYES IS EASY
I DON’T EVEN REALIZE HE’S CHEESY
‘CAUSE JEEZ HE’S SO GREAT
WAIT
BUT IT’S NOT ABOUT NATE
GOTTA CONCENTRATE
‘CAUSE I’M LOOKING FOR INTERNAL TRUTH AND NOT A DATE
NO IT’S NOT ABOUT NATE
‘CAUSE IT’S ALL ABOUT THE ART
PERFECT, MYSTERIOUS, COMES FROM ABOVE
MAGIC AS A MAGIC THING AND LOVELY AS LOVE
A GIFT FROM OLYMPUS, WHO SEND ME THE MUSE
AND SHOES
IF I WALK WITH A TWITCH IN THE SCENE IN THE KITCHEN
FIRST DATE JITTERS AREN’T TO BLAME
‘CAUSE ALL PENNY FEELS ARE THESE NINE INCH HEELS
WHICH ARE GONNA MAKE ME FALL AND DIE AND AREN’T IN FRAME
BUT MY DEATH-SCENE PUMPS ARE REALLY DREAMY
RIGHT WHEN BILLY DUMPS MY CORPSE, IT’S STEAMY
TO SEE ME ALL – WAIT
OH I’M SORRY I LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT I’M BEING SUCH A BIMBO!
BUT IT’S NOT ABOUT SHOES
EVEN IF THEY’RE SWEET
THEY SHOULD FOCUS ON MY TRAGEDY AND NOT MY FEET
NO IT’S NOT ABOUT SHOES
WHEN IT’S ALL ABOUT THE ART
MEMORY, METHOD, PRIMAL AND DEEP
ALL STANISLAVSKY, STRASBERG AND STREEP
TRUTH, MR. LIPTON, THAT’S HOW YOU BUILD
THE GUILD
BUT IT’S NOT ABOUT THE GUILD
I’D BE KILLED
IF I SHILLED
FOR THE GUILD
ON SOMEBODY ELSE’S TIME
THEN AGAIN, I SORT OF WAS KILLED
THE GUILD SEASON ONE AVAILBLE ON DVD PLUS NEW EPIDSODES AT THE WATCHTHEGUILD.COM WE ALSO HAVE T-SHIRTS
Joss:
Felicia!
CATCH GUILD FEVER
MY TORTURED ACTOR’S PROCESS:
STAND HERE AND DO WHAT JOSS SAYS
REMEMBER THAT IT’S NOT ABOUT
THE WEIRD BEARD ON OTTO
THE BEER AND CLAMATO
THE HAIR IN THE CHEESE AND
THE GUILD’S SECOND SEASON
AND BRAND NEW DAY NEIL
THAT INTRO’S UNREAL
A HORSE – NOT TOO SHABBY
NOW STEADY’S ALL CRABBY
THE SOLDIER BOY EXTRA
GOOD TIMES – NO, I’LL TEXT YA
THE RED BULL NEIL’S DRINKING
I’M DEAD AND I’M BLINKING
AND JOSS’S UNGLUING
WHEN I MENTION POOING
WHICH I’M ALWAYS DOING
I MEAN MENTIONING POOING
I MEAN ART
ART
ART’S REALLY EASY…
06. Zack's Rap
Music by Jed Whedon
Lyrics by Zack Whedon, Jed Whedon, and Maurissa Tancharoen
Performed by Zack Whedon
Backing Vocals by Maurissa Tancharoen
I DON’T DO SONGS, I’M ALL ABOUT THE WRITTEN WORD
AND YOU SHOULD SEE ME WRITE GRAFFITI, CONCRETE’S PREFERRED
THERE’S NOTHIN’ WORSE THAN HEARING VERSE SUNG LIKE A TWEETY BIRD
UNLESS IT’S SCREAMIN’ ‘CAUSE I’M BEATIN’ UP A THEATER NERD
OR HAVEN’T YOU HEARD –
I’M THE BLACK SHEEP IN A BAND OF BROTHERS
WHO SIT AROUND SINGING SHOWTUNES
GIVING BACK RUBS TO EACH OTHER
YOU MAKE A MUSICAL, DON’T MATTER IF IT’S WITTY OR PRETTY
THAT’S A ONE WAY TICKET TO BUTTKICKED CITY
WHERE YOU ALL ARE PERMANENT RESIDENTS
DO YOU NEED A LITTLE MORE EVIDENCE?
DR. HORRIBLE - HEY THAT’S SOUND KINDA DARK AND COOL
SING-ALONG BLOG - WHAT THE F*!K IS THIS? PRESCHOOL?
ZACKY’S DOING US A LITTLE FAVOR
BLESSIN’ COMMENTARY WITH HIS FLAVOR
DON’T TELL HIM IT’S A MUSICAL
‘CAUSE THEN HE MIGHT KILL US ALL
YOU PEOPLE ARE IN FREEFALL, STRAIGHT INTO A CHEESE BALL
I GET A MESSAGE PLEASE CALL MY BOOKIE BUDDY, HE’S ALL -
WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH YOU UP ON HULU
THOUGHT WE WERE LAYIN’ LOW AFTER THAT HOOKER SNAFU
I SAID, HEY LISTEN, YOU JUST MISUNDERSTOOD
I GOT TO GET IN ON THIS WEB SHIT WHILE THE GETTIN’S GOOD
I DIDN’T KNOW THERE WERE SONGS, THAT SH#T MAKES ME SICK
MY BROTHER SAID IT’S ABOUT A GUY WHO KILLS SOME CHICK
Jed:
HEY, WEREN’T YOU A PRINCE IN “THE KING AND I” IN SEVENTH GRADE?
Zack:
NO, BUT I WAS BACKSTAGE IN THE DARK GETTING LAID
Jed:
WEREN’T YOU PIGPEN IN THAT “CHARLIE BROWN” SHOW WE DID?
Zack:
NO, I JUST WANDERED ON STAGE DURING MY HOMELESS PERIOD
Jed:
DIDN’T YOU SING ABOUT THE BUSINESS IN “ANNIE GET YOUR GUN”?
Zack:
IS THAT WHAT THAT WAS? I’VE BEEN TANKED UP SINCE NINETY-ONE
Jed:
WEREN’T YOU THE TIN MAN IN “THE WIZARD OF OZ” OR SOMETHING?
Zack:
YEAH, BUT I PLAYED THE F*!K OUT OF THAT PART.
ZACKY’S DOING US A LITTLE FAVOR
BLESSIN’ COMMENTARY WITH HIS FLAVOR
DON’T TELL HIM IT’S A MUSICAL
‘CAUSE THEN HE MIGHT KILL US ALL
I WROTE ALL THE GOOD LINES AND I MADE THEM FUNNY
BUT I WAS ONLY IN IT FOR THE HORRIBLE MONEY
PLUS SOME WERE CUT OUT, CAUSE JOSS IS SUCH A WUSS HE
CUT MY LINE FOR THE GIRL, “THE PENNY IS MY P_SSY”
NOT TO MENTION MY WHOLE MOIST STORYLINE
WHERE HE GETS CAUGHT SELLING BLOW AT A REST STOP AND SERVES TIME
AND THEN HE GET’S OUT AND TRIES TO GET HIS SH#T TOGETHER AND TEACHES ART TO UNDERPRIVILEGED KIDS AT THE LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL, BUT THINGS TAKE AN INTERESTING TURN WHEN AN OLD GAMBLING BUDDY COMES TO COLLECT. SEE IT’S HIS FORMER LIFE COMING BACK TO HAUNT HIM. YOU CAN’T OUTRUN YOUR PAST. SEE? GET IT? THAT’S THE POINT, JOSS. IT’S COMPELLING!
WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN TO THESE KIDS?!
ZACKY’S DOING US A LITTLE FAVOR
BLESSIN’ COMMENTARY WITH HIS FLAVOR
DON’T TELL HIM IT’S A MUSICAL
‘CAUSE THEN HE MIGHT KILL US ALL
07. Moist
Music and Lyrics by Jed Whedon
Performed by Simon Helberg
Piano Solo by Simon Helberg
NOBODY WANTS TO BE MOIST
A BUNCH OF OVERACTIVE PORES
I STRUGGLE OPENING DOORS
AND I LOSE EVERY TUG OF WAR
NOBODY WANTS TO BE WET
THOUGH SWEET SOUL I DO SECRETE
CAN'T MAKE DAMP FINGERS SNAP TO THE BEAT
THE MICROPHONE IS DRIPPING
MY BARITONE IS SLIPPING
A RHYME INTO THIS LINE I'LL HAVE TO FOIST
NOBODY WANTS TO BE MOIST
NOBODY WANTS TO BE MOIST
THOUGH ON THE DANCE FLOOR I GLIDE
ON STAIRS I'M PETRIFIED
(THAT'S HOW HARRY WISMER DIED)
NOBODY WANTS TO BE SOAKED
THOUGH IT IS WITH A GRACEFUL EASE
I DEDUCE IN WHICH WAY BLOWS THE BREEZE
OH SURE I HAVE THE POWER
TO MAKE PASTE FROM A POWDER
BUT LAST TIME I DID THAT NO ONE REJOICED
NOBODY WANTS TO BE MOIST
A MAN SO ANCILLARY
MY LITTLE SONG IS BURIED
NOT TILL THE COMMENTARY IS IT VOICED
NOBODY WANTS TO BE
NOBODY WANTS TO BE
NOBODY WANTS TO BE MOIST
08. Ninja Ropes
Music and Lyrics by Jed Whedon
Performed by Jed Whedon, Neil Patrick Harris, and Nathan Fillion
Jed:
THERE’S A GAME ON MY PHONE
THAT I SOMETIMES LIKE TO PLAY WHEN I’M ALONE
GO TO GOOGLE, TYPE IT IN
CLICK THE EXTREME EDITION
AND IN MOMENTS YOU’LL BEGIN AND YOU’LL BE THINKING –
THIS IS DOPE
NINJA ROPES
NINJA ROPES
Neil and Nathan:
WE DID NOT GET ALONG
Nathan:
I THOUGHT NEIL WAS GIVEN FAR TOO MANY SONGS
Neil and Nathan:
BOTH THREW INSULTS AT EACH OTHER
Neil:
TOLD YOU HOW I F#!KED YOUR MOTHER
Neil and Nathan:
BUT WHAT MADE US TIGHT AS BROTHERS AND FOREVER ONE WOULD HOPE
All:
NINJA ROPES
NINJA ROPES
CAREFUL AS YOU HURTLE FROM ONE CIRCLE TO THE NEXT
SOMETIMES DOUBLE BACK TO DODGE THE GRAVITY VORTEX
TWO ROPES IS THE KEY TO KEEP FROM WHEELING WAY TO FAR
NATHAN HOLDS THE RECORD -
Nathan:
ONE NINETEEN POINT SEVEN YARDS
Jed:
NOW THE SHOOT IS COMPLETE
All:
AND INTO OUR SEPARATE LIVES WE DO RETREAT
Neil:
BUT INSTEAD OF SOLITAIRE
Neil and Nathan:
SINKING DEEP INTO DESPAIR
All:
IT REMINDS US THE CONNECTION THAT WE SHARE AND HELPS US COPE
NINJA ROPES
NINJA ROPES
NINJA ROPES…
YOU’VE GOT JUST ONE LIFE TO FLY AND DIVE FROM PLACE TO PLACE
DON’T ASK WHY A NINJA CAN SURVIVE IN OUTER SPACE
FRIENDS SAY, “HEY MAN CAN I HAVE A GO” AND I SAY, “NOPE”
SIMPLE IN IT’S GAME PLAY AND YET EPIC IN IT’S SCOPE
SIMPLE IN IT'S GAME PLAY AND YET EPIC IN IT'S SCOPE
NINJA ROPES
NINJA ROPES
NINJA ROPES…
09. All About Me
Music and Lyrics by Joss Whedon
Performed by Steve Berg, David Fury, Marti Noxon, Rob Reinis, Stacy Shirk, Maurissa Tancharoen, and Jed Whedon
Maurissa:
HERE’S A TALE AS OLD AS TIME AND TIDE
A SIMPLE GIRL, A WANDERER
WHO GREW UP STARRY-EYED
Stacy:
YOU SEE ME FOR AN INSTANT
YOU SEE EVERYTHING INSIDE
Steve:
NO MATTER WHAT THE MOVIE TRIES TO HIDE
Groupies:
IT’S ALL ABOUT ME
IT’S ALL ABOUT ME
Maurissa:
IT’S GROUPIE NUMBER ONE
Stacy:
GROUPIE NUMBER TWO
Steve:
IT’S GROUPIE NUMBER THREE
Groupies:
AND IF I HAD THE SCREEN TIME I DESERVED YOU’D SEE
Maurissa:
IT’S ALL ABOUT ME
Newscasters:
HERE’S A TALE THAT CAN BE TOLD AT LAST
OF DESKS THAT MUST BE SAT BEHIND
AND NEWS THAT MUST BE CAST
Marti:
THE MOMENT IS SO FLEETING
David:
BUT OUR TALENT IS SO VAST
Newscasters:
THE SO-CALLED STARS ARE HOPELESSLY OUTCLASSED
Marti:
IT’S ALL ABOUT ME
David:
IT’S ALL ABOUT ME
WITH ALL THE LATEST BREAKING HEADLINES ON THIS TRAGEDY
Marti:
AND IF I HAD THE SCREEN TIME I DESERVE YOU’D SEE
Newscasters:
IT’S ALL ABOUT ME
Rob:
THEY CALL ME MOVING GUY
BECAUSE I MOVE THE AUDIENCE TO TEARS
Jed:
WE’RE NOT JUST CHORUS BOYS
Bad Horse Chorus:
WE’VE GOT A STORY ARC AND FROTHY BEERS
Stacy:
THEY’LL NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH I GAVE
THE FILM IS LOCKED, THE DOOR IS SHUT
Steve:
THEY WOULDN’T GIVE ME FINAL CUT
BUT WHAT YOU’D SEE
All:
IS ALL ABOUT ME
IT’S ALL ABOUT ME
IT DOESN’T MATTER WHERE I’M LISTED ON IMDB
David:
IT’S LAST, BUT IN THE MEANTIME I THINK YOU’LL AGREE
David and Maurissa:
FINALLY
All:
IT’S ALL ABOUT
NOT THEM
NOT THEM
NOT THEM…
10. NOBODY'S ASIAN IN THE MOVIES
Music and Lyrics by Maurissa Tancharoen and Jed Whedon
Performed by Maurissa Tancharoen
I WROTE ALL PENNY’S LINES AND HER SONG, YOU KNOW
I EVEN SANG HER PART UP ON THE DEMO
BUT WHEN IT’S TIME TO CAST THE SHOW
DID THEY WANT SOMEBODY YELLOW - HELL NO
NOBODY’S ASIAN IN THE MOVIES
NOBODY’S ASIAN ON TV
IF THERE IS A PART THERE FOR US
IT’S THE GROUPIE IN THE CHORUS
THAT’S ME
I BEGGED AND I PLEADED PLEASE DON’T PASS ME BY
THEY SAY, HEY GIVE US A HAND
GO STAND IN THE BACK WITH THAT FAT GUY
MY ROLE, THOUGH BE IT BRIEF, AT LEAST
IT ISN’T VIET CONG, IT’S COMIC RELIEF
NOBODY’S ASIAN IN THE MOVIES
NOBODY’S ASIAN ON TV
IF THERE IS A PART THERE FOR US
IT’S A NINJA, A PHYSICIAN
OR A GOOFY MATHEMATICIAN
OR A GROUPIE IN THE CHORUS
THAT’S ME
WHO DO THEY WANT BEFORE THEY WANT AN ASIAN?
A MEXICAN
WHO DO THEY WANT BEFORE THEY WANT AN ASIAN?
A BLACK
WHO DO THEY WANT BEFORE THEY WANT AN ASIAN?
A PERSIAN, OR A CAJUN, OR AN INDIAN
OR AN AMERICAN-INDIAN PLAYED BY A MEXICAN
OR IF YOU’RE LUCKY SOMEONE ASIAN
LIKE ME
Jed:
But Maurissa, movies couldn’t even be made without Asians.
We need them to play the parts we’re not willing to.
Maurissa:
You’re right, Jed!
WITHOUT THE ASIANS IN THE MOVIES
WITHOUT THE ASIANS ON TV
WHO’D PLAY THE GOOFY MATHEMATICIAN
THE COMPUTER TECHNICIAN
A WISE OLD HEALER FROM JAPAN
A SHORT BUT WEALTHY BUSINESSMAN
SELL KOREAN GROCERIES
DO YOUR LAUNDRY THANK YOU, PRREASE
WE’RE THE VICTIMS OF A CRIME
WE’LL BE LOVING YOU LONG TIME
IF YOUR MOVIE IS A BORE JUST
WATCH THE GROUPIE IN THE CHORUS
THAT’S ME
Maurissa:
I guess my parents will be proud of me after all.
Jed:
What does your dad do again?
Maurissa:
Oh! He’s a nerdy, funny scientist.
11. HEART, BROKEN
Music and Lyrics by Joss Whedon
Performed by Joss Whedon
A CAVEMAN PAINTED ON A CAVE
IT WAS A BISON, WAS A FAVE
THE OTHER CAVE-PEOPLE WOULD RAVE –
THEY DIDN’T ASK “WHY?”
WHY PAINT A BISON IF IT’S DEAD
WHEN DID YOU CHOOSE THE COLOR RED
WHAT WAS THE PROCESS IN YOUR HEAD
HE TOLD THEIR STORY
WHAT CAME BEFORE HE DIDN’T SHOW
WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO
HOMER’S ODYSSEY WAS SWELL
A BUNCH OF GUYS THAT WENT THROUGH HELL
HE TOLD THE TALE BUT DIDN’T TELL
THE AUDIENCE WHY
HE DIDN’T SAY, HERE’S WHAT IT MEANS
AND HERE’S A FEW DELETED SCENES
CHARYBDIS TESTED WELL WITH TEENS
HE’S NOT THE STORY
HE’S JUST A DOOR WE OPEN IF
OUR LIVES NEED LIFTING
BUT NOW WE PICK PICK
PICK PICK PICK IT APART
OPEN IT UP TO FIND THE
TICK TICK TICK OF A HEART
A HEART, BROKEN
IT’S BROKEN BY THE ENDLESS LOADS
OF MAKING-OFS AND MOBISODES
THE TIE-INS, PREQUELS, GAMES AND CODES
THE AUDIENCE BUYS
THE NARRATIVE DIES
STRETCHED AND TORN
HEY, SPOILER WARNING:
WE’RE GONNA PICK PICK
PICK PICK PICK IT APART
OPEN IT UP TO FIND THE
TICK TICK TICK OF A HEART
A HEART, BROKEN
Jed:
JOSS, WHY DO YOU RAIL AGAINST THE BIZ
YOU KNOW THAT’S JUST THE WAY IT IS
YOU’RE MAKING EVERYBODY MIZ
Zack:
THESE OUT-OF-DATE PHILOSOPHIES
ARE FOR THE DINNER TABLE, PLEASE
WE HAVE TO SELL SOME DVD’S
Jed, Maurissa, Zack:
WITHOUT THESE THINGS YOU SPIT UPON
YOU’D FIND YOUR FAME AND FANBASE GONE
Maurissa:
YOU’D BE IGNORED AT COMIC-CON
Joss:
I SANG SOME THINGS I DIDN’T MEAN
OKAY, LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS SCENE
I THINK IT’S GREAT HOW RYAN GREEN -
OH THIS IS NO GOOD
I THOUGHT J-MO WOULD BACK MY PLAY
NOW ZACK AND THEY ALL SAY
WE’RE GONNA PICK PICK
PICK PICK PICK YOU APART
OPEN YOU UP AND STOP THE
TICK TICK TICK OF A HEART
A HEART…
12. NEIL'S TURN
Music and Lyrics by Joss Whedon
Performed by Neil Patrick Harris
HAVE THEY ALL GONE?
YES! IT’S NEIL’S TURN
NO MORE WRITERS TO WHINE
NOW THE WHOLE SHOW IS MINE
NO MORE NATHAN
WITH HIS BEAN DIP
SAY GOODNIGHT, FRANKENSTEIN
‘CAUSE IT’S MY TURN TO SHINE
I CAN DO ALL OF THEIR JOBS
I CAN JUST PLAY WITH THESE KNOBS
AND I’LL SOUND FINE
IT’S A ONE-MAN
LIKE HAL HOLBROOK
LIKE THAT SHOWCASE FOR LIZA
IT’S “NEIL WITH AN I”
HEY FELICIA
YOU WERE GREAT, KID
BUT YOU JUST HAD TO DIE
‘CAUSE THERE’S NO “TEAM” IN “I”
I’LL SING MY OWN HARMONIES
I’LL GO AS LOW AS I PLEASE
OR I’LL GO HIGH
WELCOME EVERYBODY TO MY COMMENTARY
I’VE GOT SO MUCH TALENT IT’S A LITTLE SCARY
IS MY EVERY RANDOM THOUGHT INSIGHTFUL – VERY
NOT JUST ENTERTAINING; I’M A LUMINARY
I’LL CHARM THE CHICKS
Are those things real? Ha!
DO MAGIC TRICKS
Was it the Three of Clubs? Ho!
LAY DOWN SOME TAP
AND I CAN RAP
MY NAME IS NEIL AND I’M HERE TO SAY…
NO I CAN’T RAP
THAT WAS PAINFUL
LET’S MOVE ON TO THE PART
WHERE I TALK ABOUT ART
LOOK AT THAT SHOT
WE USED CAMERAS
THERE’S A BOOM GUY IN FRAME
HE WAS GREAT – WHAT’S HIS NAME?
WHAT WAS HIS NAME?
WHAT SHOULD I SAY?
THE CHOICES ARE ENDLESS
AND HERE I AM AT LAST, ALONE, AND FRIENDLESS
NO I’M NOT FRIENDLESS
I’VE GOT SOME FRIENDS
THEY’LL BE HERE WHEN THIS ENDS
IF THIS ENDS
WHAT DO I SAY
WHAT DOES THIS SWITCH DO – IT TURNS OUT THE LIGHTS
NOW IT’S DARK AND I’M LOST AND ALONE
AND WHAT’S WITH ALL THESE CHORDS?
WHAT’S WITH ALL THESE WEIRD CHORDS?
SOMEBODY HELP
SOMEBODY SAY CUT
SOMEBODY SAY ACTION
SOMEBODY SAY SOMETHING
I’M SO AFRAID
SOMEBODY SAY CUT
I’M SO ALONE…
13. COMMENTARY (REPRISE)
Music and Lyrics by Joss Whedon
Performed by Cast and Writers
Ooo’s and Ahh’s by Maurissa Tancharoen and Jed Whedon
All:
HOPE YOU HAD FUN
‘CAUSE NOW WE’RE DONE
YOU’VE LISTENED TO EVERY WORD
SEEING IT THROUGH
MAKES EACH OF YOU
A HUGE F#!KING NERD
BUT YOU’RE UNFAZED
BY THE MAZE OF CRAZE MALAISE
THE LAZY PHRASING BETRAYS
HOW WELL THIS PAYS
SO HERE’S A TOAST
TO WHO SUFFERED MOST
WHILE WE COASTED THROUGH THIS
Neil:
COMMENTARY!
All:
COMMENTARY
HERE’S THE BIG FINISH
WHERE WE BUILD UP THE TENSION
AND WE GET REALLY QUIET
THEN WE STOP BEING QUIET
AND REPEAT THE TITLE – COMMENTARY
Neil:
Depressing shot
14. STEVE'S SONG
Music by Jed Whedon
Lyrics by Jed Whedon and Joss Whedon
Performed by Steve Berg
I’M STILL A BIT SUSPICIOUS WHY THEY ASKED ME TO BE IN THIS
AND, YES, MY BEST GUESS IS MY S’S
MY FRIENDS WOULD NEVER CONSCIOUSLY
EXPLOIT SOMEBODY’S WEAKNESS
THEY SAY MY VOICE POSSESSES A SWEETNESS
JED TEXTED ME, SAID “COMMENTARY’S COMING,
STEVE WOULD YOU PLEASE GRACE US WITH A SONG”
I HEARD THE DULCET TONES HIS HANDS WERE STRUMMING
I KNEW IT’S NOT THIS LISP
IT’S BEEN MY TALENTS ALL ALONG
STEVE’S SONG
A SHOWCASE OF MY SKILLS
STEVE’S SONG
ALIVE ARE THESE HILLS
WITH STEVE’S SONG
STEVE’S SONG
YES YES YES YES
MAURISSA SCOFFED AT MY SUGGESTION -
HAMMER NEEDS A FEW MORE SWEATERS
I STILL THINK SIX VESTS SOUNDS MUCH BETTER
BUT NOW I’M SUPER NERVOUS
SINCE I’M STANDING IN THE STUDIO
LIKE PHIL COLLINS SINGING SUSSUDIO
SU-SU-SU-SU-SUSSUDIO
AND YES ON THE HORIZON THERE’S A SEQUEL
WITH SOME SUBSTANTIAL BITS FOR MISTER ME
IT’S EVIDENCE THEY SEE ME AS AN EQUAL
I’M NOT GROUPIE NUMBER SEVENTY SIX THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED AND SIX POINT SEVEN SIX TWO THREE FIVE NINER SQUARED - I’M THREE
STEVE’S SONG
A MAESTRO ON THE RISE
STEVE’S SONG
A NICE PLEASANT SURPRISE
IS STEVE’S SONG
STEVE’S SONG
STEVE’S SONG
STEVE’S SONG
STEVE’S SONG
STEVE’S SONG
YES YES YES…
No.